Chapter Thirty-Three: The King of the End

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My name is Illya, and I am currently fooling the Golden Archer.
156:34:01
【Hahahahahaha—】
'Laugh, laugh, that's all you do. Haven't you had enough after laughing all day!'
【I'm sorry, but it's just so funny, hahaha—】
Ever since I accidentally let my guard down yesterday and admitted my identity, this stupid system has been popping up from time to time, emitting all sorts of melodramatic laughter, especially whenever I interact with "Mother."
"Illya~ Dinner is ready~ Could you help me set the table?" "Of course—"
Since the start of the Holy Grail War, all the maids had been sent back to Germany. Irisviel had taken on all the chores in the castle, such as cooking and cleaning. While Saber Lily could help, she was constantly engaged in "King training" rather than "Bride training," so she only made things more chaotic. As for Lin Hao, she was paralyzed and useless.
Consequently, as the daughter, I had to be responsible for helping out and taking care of my semi-paralyzed Master (myself).
【Wahahahaha!】
It’s enough already. This stupid system has such a low threshold for humor. Even when I take the time to return to the Root in my spirit form and try to beat it up, its sense of humor doesn't seem to improve.
'Why on earth is a "future" Heroic Spirit being treated as a daughter by a "present" Irisviel? This world doesn't even have a "future" yet, does it?' I don't know how many times I've complained about this.
【...Irisviel is indeed Illyasviel's mother, that much is correct.】
'What do you mean by correct! Illya is only eight years old right now, still back in Germany messing around with Leysritt and Sella!'
【Note: Sella and Leysritt.】
Whatever, the maids are all the same anyway.
'And didn't Kiritsugu completely fail to notice?'
【I assume he's just stressed from barely escaping Assassin's pursuit? If he spends more time with you, he'll definitely figure it out.】
'I'll just keep giving him the cold shoulder during the Holy Grail War and see how he figures it out.'
【That’s why you’re a tsundere—】
'Shut up, you're annoying!'
As I set the table and helped Irisviel serve the food, Artoria kept staring, looking quite expectant.
Although their postures differed, Artoria is still Artoria. The black one is interested in fast food like fried chicken and fries, while this white one prefers various home-cooked dishes.
Still... it is quite funny that a British person would heap praise on Indian food cooked by a German woman.
That’s right, it was curry rice, along with other Japanese-style dishes like hamburger steak, miso soup, and omurice. However, she seemed to completely reject sashimi and natto.
I’ve also noticed during this time that if I let Irisviel cook dishes with too many steps, there’s a high probability of creating "dark cuisine." Kiritsugu might be able to eat it without batting an eye, but I don't want Lin Hao to develop any more symptoms.
"It’s delicious! Irisviel is even better than the court chefs!" "Oh, you flatter me."
Did the British people's terrible taste in food start with their King?!
At the table, Saber routinely complimented Mother's cooking. Although she wasn't the original blue Saber, her compatibility with Mother was still excellent. Compared to a knight and a princess, they looked more like—two princesses.
As a daughter, I naturally couldn't just interrupt when Mom and her best friend were chatting. I boredly took care of Lin Hao's meal, occasionally making a mistake and eating the food myself... If I keep multitasking like this, I'm going to have a split personality! I hope some enemy appears soon to make her faint.
"Caster, is it good?" "No, Heroic Spirits don't need to eat; it just turns into magical energy."
After accidentally eating the food myself, Mother gave me a strange look, so I had to improvise.
"Caster..." "Fine, I'll take another bite."

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Who directed this play~ In this lonely role~
【Hahaha... I can't take it—hahaha—】
Laugh all you want. I'm keeping track of every time. Once I get the chance to learn Kirei’s Baji Quan, I’ll settle the score.
'System, are you there? It's almost nightfall. How are the other Masters acting?'
【Note: Emiya Kiritsugu has begun infiltrating the Tohsaka residence.】
Oh, he’s going to save Maiya. I wonder how the surprise Caster prepared for him turned out.
【Note: Tohsaka Tokiomi, Kotomine Kirei, and Uryu Ryunosuke have broken into the Hyatt Hotel. The opposition is standing by.】
Oh, the lords are taking the field themselves—
【Note: Gilgamesh has arrived at the main gate of the Einzbern Castle.】
Hmm... wait, what?
Boom!
The Einzbern Castle’s defensive barrier suddenly took a massive impact. The resulting magical feedback made Irisviel clutch her head in pain, and since I was multitasking, I happened to be switched to Lin Hao’s side, and the intense pain in my magic circuits caused me to faint immediately.
Tch... I quickly switched back to Illya, supported the unconscious avatar, and let her lean against the back of the chair.
"Saber, take care of my mother!" I hurriedly called out before turning into a spirit and shifting to the main gate.
To increase sensitivity, these defensive barriers were connected to Mother’s magic circuits like a pulse-reading thread. Since "Lin Hao" had helped set them up, she naturally did the same. If the barrier were destroyed outright, it would be fine, but if it kept vibrating, it would be more than just a simple fainting spell.
【Can you defeat Gilgamesh right now?】 The stupid system didn't laugh at me for acting like a daughter this time.
'Obviously not, he is the strongest in history.'
In any case, I’ll first stop him from wrecking the defensive barriers. I’ll think about what to do next later.
156:07:11
The comparison of combat power between Gilgamesh and any other Heroic Spirit always comes down to whether one wants to win when facing him.
As the "strongest" decreed by the author, even if some Heroic Spirit accidentally surpasses him due to a setting oversight, he’ll just be casually buffed to maintain the setting that "he could end the Holy Grail War in one night if he wanted to."
Therefore, compared to pure nonsense like Lancelot controlling the Earth by standing on his head, or Kiritsugu and Diarmuid cutting through/breaking all things, this golden king in the sky who might pull out Ea at the slightest disagreement is simply impossible to fight, right?
Wait, he already pulled it out! That black-and-red spinning stick that looks like a barber shop sign!
He’s standing on his Vimana, waving it around casually!
"Saber—hm?"
As I gathered silver light to form my Heroic Spirit avatar, Gilgamesh turned immediately, but he stopped mid-sentence as if he realized the target was wrong.
Was he originally going to tell her to put down her sword and be his wife? It’s impressive he could say that to Saber Lily.
Didn't he do something similar yesterday morning? But I was in Lin Hao's skin then, so I’ll just pretend I never heard it.
"The oldest King of Sumer, Gilgamesh?"
Before the Golden Archer could say anything else, I took the initiative.
Though I wanted to point something at him, the weapon provided by the stupid system was a cute magic wand... so I just put my hands on my hips and glared at him.
Besides, hadn't the Vimana been blasted by Saber Lily? How did another one appear?
"Oh? You actually know this King's name. You have some keen eyes," Gilgamesh said, pointing Ea at me: "So, you are also one of those thieves who knows the Holy Grail belongs to me, yet still tries to snatch it?"
Even if I questioned this, he would just answer that his treasures exceed my cognitive range, so I had to change my approach.

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"A dignified oldest King, declaring ownership of something he knows doesn't belong to him?" I retorted.
"Ridiculous! My treasures—" "But it hasn't even been created yet."
Geez! This sudden cold feeling, the hair standing on the back of my neck—is this killing intent!
"You possess the [conceptual prototypes] of all treasures," I said, noticing Saber and Mother were about to arrive at the main gate, so I slowed down slightly: "But you also possess their [latest versions]."
I looked at the Vimana under his feet: "For example, it represents the [concept] of all treasures humans created out of a desire to fly. If you wanted to, you could even obtain the most advanced fighter jets or even spaceships."
"What?" "Really?"
I saw Irisviel and Lily walk out of the castle gate in the rear-view, looking quite surprised as they overheard me.
I wasn't making this up; this was a setting Mushroom (Kinoko Nasu) sneakily added.
"And this 'Holy Grail War' is a ritual to manufacture the Holy Grail, and this object has never appeared in the world before, so there is no 'prototype'," I continued: "Do you still want to declare that something not yet manufactured belongs to you?"
If he insisted that future treasures also belonged to him—there was nothing I could do.
"Heh." Gilgamesh mused for a moment, appearing to check his treasury, then reached out and pulled from the Gate of Babylon... an iPhone 7.
That is way too much! Even if Sumer used stone tablets, tablets aren't the same thing!
The Golden Archer swiped on the tablet a few times, then threw it back as if waking from a dream, staring at me: "You have earned the honor of this King remembering your name, brat."
【You have caught my attention, woman.】 The stupid system actually provided a voiceover. I’ll add that to the tab.
"My name is Illyasviel von Einzbern," I thought about Gilgamesh's personality, and decided a bit of exaggeration wouldn't hurt: "The Savior of Destiny, the Restorer of Human Order, never abandoning, never giving up—I am the [King of the End]!"
"..." "..." "..."
Successfully held the stage.
【Wow, Alaya, you're using too many memes, aren't you?】
'Less chatter. I don't want to be called a mongrel.'
【Note: Gilgamesh is activating 'Star of Omniscience' to check your information. Want to give him a chance?】
'Are you in any position to lecture me? Fine... show it to him according to the settings.'
"I see." Gilgamesh reached some conclusion, and his killing intent faded: "Self-sacrifice is nothing but hypocrisy. Still obsessed with such nonsense, a stubborn hypocrite indeed."
Oh, a hypocrite. Fine, that works too.
"Well, shall we fight?" I looked at the endlessly spinning red-and-black stick, diverting magical energy to protect the castle's barrier.
"Until the end of time, this world is my garden," the Golden Archer hummed, putting away Ea. His Vimana began to rise: "In light of the fact that you are barely qualified to be called a 'King,' I shall grant you the honor of defeat on a battlefield free from external constraints."
"And, Saber, I will return to marry you soon."
After dropping that trash talk, the golden aircraft flew away from the sky above Einzbern Castle. I didn't dare turn around.
Damn it. One lie requires ten more to cover it up; that's the situation now. I improvised an identity on a whim, how am I supposed to explain this to Mother?
"Illya..." I felt Mother hug me from behind: "It's okay, it's all over."
What’s going on? Was I misunderstood about something else?
【Probably because Archer (Emiya) is so miserable?】 Gaia said: 【The analogy to the current situation is quite similar.】
Although I’m still not sure what Irisviel is thinking, it doesn't matter. This is fine. I'll go back to take care of my Master avatar and watch the battles starting elsewhere.